Personal Apocalypse

22 05 2012

I couldn’t see it from where I was standing. The sun and the moon where going to collide in eclipse, something that happens rarely enough to warrant a social panic of creative iPhone pictures. I didn’t have my phone with me, and the trees obstructed my view enough for me to understand that I would not be part of this moment. And that didn’t really bother me, I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, the likes of which made me believe that either the world was going to end when the sun settled directly behind the moon or I would resolve to do something crazy enough to end it on my own.

Personal Apocalypse

There comes a point, a point where frustration merges with a realistic goal to beat the crap out of your boss. Though I am not for violence, I am for making a scene. And I really want to right now. I want to throw my Mac across the room, burn down this building, take all of my money out the bank and run to Mexico, if only to prove a point that I’ve had it up to my eye balls with these business folk and their inflated egos, pitchy sales bullshit and shiny male chauvinism. Anyone who calls you ‘hun’ in an email should be hung in effigy as a reminder to all men that this business really means business.

I’m seriously thinking about quitting my job. I have no idea what I am going to do or how I am going to do it, or how long I will be unemployed or if I even want to be employed ever again. I don’t know! There comes another point, at some point, every crazy person looks at their situation and admits to themself that they have no idea how it’s all going to work out; but they believe, and that religious experience makes it possible and worth the struggle. It’s those sane people who have it all figured out I guess. At least they feel confident knowing that struggling to achieve something difficult isn’t worth the time. I don’t know anything.

The only thing that keeps me from falling to this floor and crying like a 3-year-old is my pride, and perhaps the simple truth that although I don’t know how I am going to get myself out of this mess of problems I have sustained, I always figure it out. But I’ll tell ya, screaming and yelling, making a scene, having random mental depictions of violent scenarios as alternatives to things happening right in front of me are common and pushing my brain to a place of hysteria. My eyes hurt, I get headaches all the time and I don’t remember how to have fun right now.

So when the eclipse happened, I was inside myself, having a personal apocalypse.  Burning fires and geographical shifts of tectonic plates were rolling thunder sounds all through my bones shaking me to my core, and I wept. And I felt better. Those single tears a glittering manifestation of that crazy that constantly battles for my attention, the part that needs to be fed every so often with melodrama like this. This is the sound of a person trying to hold it together when nothing feels right beside the familiar sounds of self-doubt and pity that accompany misery. I however, do not want the company. I’ll figure it out.

I envy anyone who thinks I’m crazy, because they have no idea what I’m talking about. 

Like this BlogPost if you’re crazy too.

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3 responses

22 05 2012
kaitlynmae

wonderful! jut keeping moving, doesn’t matter the direction, eventually you’ll find light at the end of the tunnel. You probably think its stupid but I felt the same way not to long ago and thats what I learned.

22 05 2012
Mom

Omg!!! Yes I said that!
Well, not sure those men types in your life will see this but if they do I’m sure they will wonder what other job you’re working at… Dunderheads! I love you:)

28 08 2012
Leave It To Portland « Whitneybutler's Blog

[…] felt gung-ho or sanguine (who has ever used that word before?) in a long time. Case-in-point, My Personal Apocalypse. I’ve been more or less blarrug. That’s a word I just made up to describe my personal […]

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