Paula Deen Didn’t Make You Fat

20 01 2012

Given the chance, I would delight in being Anthony Bourdain’s west-coast mistress. I love his writing, I love that he smokes, and I love the way he doesn’t give a shit about anything in particular, less the sophisticated quality of the things he puts into his mouth. So, I was shocked when my silver fox was reported bashing fellow foodie Paula Deen, who publicly acknowledged her struggle this week with diabetes while hosting a show that specializes in all things trans-fat and delicious. It was a PR nightmare for the Food Network star criticized primarily for promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. The southern bell openly apologized for misleading people if they assumed that eating six sticks of butter for breakfast was common practice at the Deen family table.

Paula Deen fans need to know: How could she be so irresponsible? How could she hide her diabetes? All I’m thinking: Damn, I love the way she says olive oil.

Well, I’ll tell you what, she never hid that beautiful full figure. When Paula Deen was just a jolly, oxford-wearing grandmother cooking pot pies and gravy that was fine. But we can’t have jolly, oxford-wearing grandmothers out there serving up seconds when they have diabetes. That’s crossing a line. She’s a hypocrite! This is the same kind of retarded logic that has me rolling on the floor whenever MSNBC does a special report on the fast food industry because someone swallowed too many cheeseburgers. Then the government steps in and puts nutritional facts in menus right next to the spinach and artichoke dip I use to love before I learned how many grams of saturated fat it contained. Way to ruin it for me California!

Bourdain’s reaction caught my attention because he’s clearly a cool cat, cultured, and wouldn’t buy into the insanity that despite being a public figure, Paula Deen doesn’t make anyone shovel down tuna casserole. And with all due respect Bourdain, if you end up sick with liver cancer, emphysema, or any other kind of disease associated with the lifestyle you promote, you’re going to be eating your hat. And if that happens, well, you will no longer be regarded by yours truly as a sexy demigod, which means I won’t be putting out when I see you in the airport bar.

It’s really quite simple. Stop blaming everyone else for making you fat. Paula Deen didn’t give you diabetes. McDonald’s doesn’t owe you jack. And when you wonder why you’re pissing blood, it’s probably not because Anthony Bourdain made drinking copious amounts of liquor seem inconsequential.

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4 responses

20 01 2012
Mom

You know it has been awhile since I’ve been to your actual wordpress site and I can see that you have become quite the pistol…..it couldn’t be “I make stuff up” instead of “I make shit up”….or the dare of “think you got the guts?”. Oh- my- god…you are killing me here!! And Bourdain is old enough to be your father….what are you thinking?! And you missed a cute line that would of dovetailed nicely….”McDonald’s doesn’t owe you jack”…(adding here) “Even Jack doesn’t owe you Jack”. Yes? No? Not going for cute? Oh wait……I forgot…..it’s the ”in your face”, fuck you world, here I come, don’t mess with me…. attitude. Ahhhh….where did I go wrong?? Didn’t you have enough squeaky bubble bath toys? Did I let you run around naked too much when you were little? Dirty diapers on too long? I don’t know…I’m just the mama and I love you!!!!

20 01 2012
Whitney Marie Butler

Mom! Geez! Way to embarrass me in front of all my WordPress friends! And no, didn’t have enough rubber ducks or Mr. Bubble. I ran around naked way too much for anyones comfort, and yeah, you should have checked for shitty diapers way more often. Clearly living in my own excrement had unimaginable effects on my adulthood. I love you too Mom 🙂

20 01 2012
Joe

Nice one Whit, and apparently edgy writing runs in the family. “Jack doesn’t owe you jack” is awesome :o)

9 05 2012
Running in Mommyland

I want to hang out with you AND your mom! That conversation was pure love!

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